Netflix’s Version of The Witcher Was Terribly Done Yet Vaguely Satisfying


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Let’s talk about it though.

Let’s start with what I loved about The Witcher  Netflix series.

  1. 1 The black "elf" creature, Dara was the most adorable character of the entire series and I wanted to see more of him

    Dara went out of his way to help a complete stranger even though it was really putting him in danger because, let's face it, the princess was kind of stupid, and incessantly day things that she really should not have been doing.

    As a creature that was familiar with the forest, he used his skills to keep this last princess I'm starving to death, although it absolutely did not benefit him at all. He had a softness and kindness to him that we often do not get to see in black boys on screen.

  2. 2 Henry Cavill was still fine as hell and played the hell out of the script that was given to him

    Henry said, "When the writers hand you lemons, add rum and chug." No I haven't gotten that far yet, we will talk about how suspiciously, poorly done this script was. He really didn't let that stop him from doing his very best in this darkly magical world filled with prejudice and unjustice.

    Cavill's ability to add romance to most any situation is... heartwarming. *swoons* In the midst of any trial, just one look from him will make you forget, although temporarily, about any terrible things you might be going through. This is evidenced by some of the awkwardly placed romantic scenes in the series. I guess it is an admirable quality to be able to convince women to get their freak on no matter what mental state they might be in, consensually, of course. 

Let's go through some of MY complaints... and others

I did take the time to read some reviews on IMBD as I KNEW I could not have been the only one confused by some of the shit I saw, so let's get it on and popping on what I disliked about Netflix's film adaption of The Witcher series. 

  1. 1 Naturally, people who watched The Witcher leaped at the chance to be racist.

    The-Witcher-1.gif

    Using phrases like "destroys immersion" and "forced diversity" to disguise what is called RACISM by the "woke" people the complainers hate so much.

    I have never in my black ass life seen an epic fantasy TV show with an all-black cast so if every epic fantasy TV show or movie series stayed "true to the source material", black people and POC would never get the chance to to see themselves onscreen. 

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    Also, this cast is STILL majority Caucasian and other epic fantasies like Game of Thrones, Lord of the Rings, and even Harry Potter are nearly COMPLETELY devoid of any drop of melanin OR have some POC or black person throwaway characters who mysteriously show up to drive the plot forward, die or poof into thin air, and are never seen or heard from again afterwards. 

    I know it's inconvenient for your snowy worldview that we exist, but we do. So my complain about the series itself is that there could've been more done with the colored characters that did exist. Which leads me to...


  2. 2 The character development in The Witcher was universally trash

    Characters started dying in episode 1 that we had ZERO chance to connect to. Any halfway decent story writer knows that killing off characters that have no weight to the audience or reader is pointless. It has the same effect as scrolling through Facebook and seeing a post saying some random person's grandfather finally passed away at 103. I mean....that's sad...I guess? 🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️

  3. 3 What the fuck is going on with The Witcher's timeline?

    The flashbacks are unnannounced and dropped on us without ANY real context. People are fighting...and we have no damn clue why. People are dying...and we don't know who the hell they are. 

    As much as I appreciate a well-placed flashback, these were not those. Jumping back and forth through the timeline of the story was jarring and made it difficult to follow what was happening. Only towards the end of season 1 was I able to piece together how people who were offed in the earlier episodes was important to the story. 

    Obviously this ties back into the "killing characters no one cares about" idea, but a switch up in the timeline presented to us could've taken care of that. Not that we will ever know for sure. 

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Heeey, I heard you loved me with the lights off but I’m not some Cheshire maiden mistaken for lush beauty and kind generosity. What an atrocity to love the stars and hate the stars and galaxy and the space between your toe nails and nail polish. What an ugly shade of green. never thought you’d love to hate her you used to be whatever nice is but now you must be punished for your sins in lashings of the tongue. The bloating begins. I want chocolate ice cream chocolate syrup chocolate frappe a side of chocolate with my chocolate and a marshmallow pie. Fudge by any other name will still be fat and sweet. Welcome to nightmares, night scares, daydreams. What an ugly shade of green for snores to hide in. I’d give up sleep for Romeo if he were to climb my balcony and conqueror 15 my mind from the outside this time. Blind man, do you still lust for beauty day dazing at the yellow sun son sun of Zeus and goddesses of Earthy spirits. Here’s a hope for hoping. I’m done with wishing on falling stars. I’ll catch you once you’ve fallen.
Love sad and downright depressing poetry? Check out my book, Nightmares, Night Scares, Daydreams