How Vampires Can Make Their Immortal Fortunes With Life Insurance


In order to elaborate on how to make the fortune you may not have been able to find during your time as a human, I have come up with another plan to help you in your supposed afterlife as a vampire. It’s never too late to chase a dream so don’t let death stop you from becoming a wealthy creature of lavish comfort.

First, let us point out some of the obvious realities. One of the good things about being a vampire is that you look just like any other human (if you are fortunate). This gives you an opportunity to do things that humans do without drawing undue suspicion as long as you can not act too suspiciously. One could argue that being excessively normal would be the goal as the less memorable you are, the easier of a time you’ll have blending in. The ability to assimilate and quietly disappear will be two of your greatest assets in this new journey of yours.

In a country where you are required to have things like health insurance you can’t afford that does everything it can to deny your health issues and car insurance on cars you may not even want but have to have in order to go to a job that you hate to pay for the car insurance that you do not want, life is all about bills and money to pay those bills, working long, impossible hours, generally suffering, and probably dying unfulfilled and poor.

Now that you are immortal, you have been freed from the stresses of pretending like you care about all of these unimportant things. For if you get into a car accident, it’s not like you’re going to end up in the hospital racking up $100,000 in medical bills that you will probably never pay off before you die. Because when you live paycheck to Tuesday, there are going to be some things you just cannot pay for. As a vampire, you will nearly always be in perfect health and now that y0u have eternity, riding trains and buses seems like far less of a waste of your time so having a car with all of its car insurance and maintenance may not be a necessary for you anymore.

Johnny Depp as a Vampire in Dark ShadowsBeing undead and nearly incapable of injury is an excellent time for you to pretend to be extremely injured, or, if you are blessed enough to have some secret power of persuasion, as the vampires of The Originals do, to convince everyone involved that you are seriously injured so that you can win a million bazillion dollars in a car injury settlement. Yes, that is a lot of money. Car accidents do pay very well when you’ve been seriously injured.

Perhaps this sounds like too much work. After all, if you don’t have powers of persuasion, you’ll have several weeks to several months of having to threaten, beat, torture, and otherwise convince many people to go along with your dastardly plan. 

But what if there was another way? An easier way to scam the system that crushes those unfortunate mortals under its heels everyday? 

You’ve probably already spent all of your mortal life working hard as some corporate slave in a job that makes you want to kill people. It is time for a different life. A better life. An undead life of wealth and privilege.

That means you have to make money the way that rich people make money, and that isn’t by clocking into a job and answering to other people. Think about it. Car accident attorneys. Divorce attorneys. Medical professionals. Those mysterious and ever dreaded insurance people. There are people with still beating hearts out here making MONEY money and you can become one of them in your new life of mystery and shadow.

You know how much money can be made pulling life insurance scams as a vampire? Of course, this is a different scam from the one insurers have been pulling on you, but what do you care? You are now beyond the laws of the living. The best thing about the life insurance scam is you don’t even have to play dead…because you are dead. Ultimate scam that can be started as soon as you become a vampire…because that means you have just died. 

If we take a little bit of inspiration from the Twilight series, you can do this using the family model with parents and maybe some “teenagers” or an actual vampire child, which would draw the greatest amount of sympathy. People have always pretended to love children more than their actual actions say they do.

So one of the family members simply pretend to be sick for a couple months, not too long as that may draw interest from reporters or other medical professionals. Then they must die from some tragic disease that the doctors miraculously have never heard of and will never hear of because it has so many symptoms that look like other diseases that it was impossible to pinpoint the actual cause of the person’s illness. 

Because this person is actually a vampire, when they call time of death, there will actually be no pulse, and then you can file for that life insurance policy and cash out. But make sure to have an elaborate funeral with lots of crying and supposed friends and other family members and absolutely no press coverage. No one should be taking any photos. Photos are proof of your continued existence and we cannot have people foiling your plans of a comfortable, immortal life. 

Of course, if you do not want to go through the stress of having a very showy funeral, having a

small wake complete with food and sad stories should suffice. In this manner, you can immediately have your sick loved one “cremated” due to the threat of passing this deadly, mysterious disease to other people. Also, having the cremains at your wake will help add some legitimacy and razzle dazzle to these sad proceedings and help properly set the scene.

In this manner, you and your family or circle of friends can move from place to place under the guise of “not wanting to live in a place with so much bad history and loss”. That is a story as old as time. People have always run away from their bad histories so why should your family of vampires be any different?

Now be sure to take out life insurance policies with different companies so as not to have any crossover of data in the databases. This is another measure to prevent any suspicion from falling up on the family as being under investigation for life insurance fraud will draw a lot of unwanted attention. Also, you can rotate which family member is going to be the one that dies every time you move. This will ensure that no one in the vampire clan dies too often and that you never run out of fresh funds for your immortal life.

Of course, in the game of collecting life insurance policies, the bigger the policy, the more money there is to be made. So, everyone can chip in to cover the policy payments for a time before you all cash out and move on to the next place. I also recommend having someone in your vampire clan pose as a doctor that, by all appearances, is someone your family does not know, who will take charge of these hospital stays and tragic accidents to properly forge medical records and further cover up your trail. 

Remember, vampires are not humans and should not have to abide by the laws that govern the short lives of mortals. This is your chance to live the life of wealth and privilege that may have always been out of grasp. Fortunately for you, all you had to do was die to attain it.


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