Harvard Scientists Find That Vampire Venom is Not a Cure For the Covid Virus, Cautions Public to Stay the FUCK At Home

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Madness ensues as we reach day 300 of quarantining. People are scratching like rabid crackheads to return to the American plantations. We are well on the way to salvation, thanks to the hard work of our doctors, nurses, and hospital staff all over the country. Unfortunately, doctors and nurses can only heal so many people when a true cure for the Covid-19 virus has, as yet, not been discovered.

Fortunately for us, there are brilliant people searching for that cure. Taking inspiration from the world, Harvard scientists have been hard at work trying to save the people of America. At this point in time, they’ve already tried unicorns’ blood, a rare strain of zombism virus that is said to have an equal and opposite reaction on the body as Covid-19, and the piercing screams of mermaids, noted as an especially good method to deafen the complaints of billionaires who are quickly becoming ordinary millionaires. Other possibilities for healing the people include sirens’ song, and scientists even attempted to use the magical properties of the centaurs’ hoof, ground into a fine powder that Covid victims then sniff up the nose.

As of yet, none of these have been truly successful, but the distinguished scientific minds of Harvard University are not the sorts of brains who quit any challenge easily. This dedication led scientists to start trials for other possible cures.

Unfortunately, after having multiple test groups of vampire’s blood on some volunteers who had fallen ill with the Covid-19 virus, the scientists have seen no rapid improvement in those patients beyond “dewy skin” and “a pallid complexion”.

Of course, all test subjects in the placebo group have seen marked improvement within the first week of their supposed testing, in which all test subjects were separated into sterile cubes and forced to breathe clena, uncontaminated air. This leads medical professionals to believe that there may be no magic cure for the Covid-19 virus and that darkness and fresh air can do wonders for the body and spirit.

Doctors also note that many people are having positive results by avoiding the virus all together. Upon surveying the medical experiments’ participants, Harvard professionals have come to the further conclusion that staying the fuck at home is the best way to avoid catching this deadly virus.

Until this horror has ended and the lockdown has Lifted, medical professionals all over the planet Earth have agreed on one thing: by staying away from other people, you can drastically decrease your chances of ending up in the morgue. This has been a PSA straight from the fingers of doctors everywhere.


Vampires may be fun, oh, they may even sparkle in the light.

If you were immortal, you could roam, but you are human so stay the FUCK at home.

– Dr. Samuel L Jackson.

Update: conservatives have taken to the streets to protest the findings of Harvard scientists, saying that Harvard scientists and medical professionals are “…dumb, severely undereducated, extremely biased, Obama-lovers set on the agenda for emasculation of the white man and and genocide of white people.” Conservatives claim that medical professionals are purposefully poisoning white communities in order to commit the biggest genocide in history and put blacks in power. “We will not have it,” they claim, marching up and down the streets, holding hands, breathing on each other, and all sorts of other ghetto activities strictly against the advice of “dumb, severely undereducated” medical professionals and have even gone so far as to call these scientists and doctors “racist against whites”.

Jeanetta Clapmen, graduate student at Harvard University, says “Since conservatives have so much faith in vampire venom, then they should try the method used in Twilight to achieve immortality. To be more specific, they should take the vampire venom on their deathbeds. That is the only true way to prove that medical professionals have already discovered the cure for the Covid Virus and are holding out for the highest bidders. If Harvard’s best and brightest are scammers, prove us wrong,” she challenges with a casual shrug from the safety of her living room as she sits in front of her webcam in a Lion King onesie and drinks iced coffee from a giant mug.

We will update this story as things develop. Keep the faith and trust that doctors have the improvement of our health in the forefronts of their minds.

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