After Body Found Half-Dissolved in a Bath of Coke, Coca-Cola Makes Ground-Breaking Decision to Stop Making Sodas That Digest Your Corpses for You


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A macabre incident that was very likely inspired from watching way too much Criminal Minds and Bones marathons on Netflix, a police report stated that a body was found in the lovely, not-so-surburban neighborhood of Whitetown, Tennessee of one, Karen Karona, who is now being accused of murdering the half-dissolved negro that was found marinating like Independence Day ribs in her pink, porcelain bath tub.

When asked how a black man ended up dead in her house, she immediately broke into a pool of tears. “He wouldn’t let me speak to the manager,” she sobbed, dabbing at her eyes with the ragged hem of her All Lives Matter t-shirt. “He claimed to be the manager, but I knew he was lying. I know what a manager looks like!” She carried on, her voice pitching in a Caucasian desperation to be understood.

The police are launching a thorough investigation into this matter because Karen Karona could not possibly be guilty although her finger prints are all over the stack of two liter Coca-Cola bottles that were found piled inside her trash can next to three bags of freshly blown leaves.

Many of us have witnessed the acidic properties of Coca-Cola by watching many a YouTube video of both of Coca-Cola doing many impossible tasks, including, melting through soda cans, actually digesting McDonald’s burgers and fries, (which are estimated to not break down on their own even as being left outside in the elements for over a year), and gobbling up the remnants of some unfortunate chickens. Of course, given the addictive qualities of sugar and soda, it comes as no surprise that this had not prevented people from continuing to drink Coca-Cola. The real surprise is that Karen Karona really believed she’d be able to erase the crime of her racism by depending on a bubbly brew belonging to the beverages isle.

We sat down the UFO of the Coca-Cola to see what they had to say about their enamel-destroying products being used to so hopelessly fail at getting away with murder, the following is a summary of that statement:

In a push to be a little bit more health-friendly, which is always a joke coming from a soda company, Coca-Cola promises to tweak the formula so as to not be as harmful to people’s insides, where the beverages are meant to end up.

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Of course, the company denies any claim of knowing previously that people were using their products as clean up solutions for hate crimes. Fortunately for them, their bubbly beverages do not seem to be quite as effective as disposing of corpses as these murderers would hope, though that obviously did not keep several people from trying.

Be on the look-out for more about Karen Karona and her failures here at Must Be Undead.

 

 

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Heeey, I heard you loved me with the lights off but I’m not some Cheshire maiden mistaken for lush beauty and kind generosity. What an atrocity to love the stars and hate the stars and galaxy and the space between your toe nails and nail polish. What an ugly shade of green. never thought you’d love to hate her you used to be whatever nice is but now you must be punished for your sins in lashings of the tongue. The bloating begins. I want chocolate ice cream chocolate syrup chocolate frappe a side of chocolate with my chocolate and a marshmallow pie. Fudge by any other name will still be fat and sweet. Welcome to nightmares, night scares, daydreams. What an ugly shade of green for snores to hide in. I’d give up sleep for Romeo if he were to climb my balcony and conqueror 15 my mind from the outside this time. Blind man, do you still lust for beauty day dazing at the yellow sun son sun of Zeus and goddesses of Earthy spirits. Here’s a hope for hoping. I’m done with wishing on falling stars. I’ll catch you once you’ve fallen.
Love sad and downright depressing poetry? Check out my book, Nightmares, Night Scares, Daydreams